Monthly Archives: October 2010

I miss my child

Kennedy is getting so mature.  She is in cross country, refs for the local soccer association, is a part of the schools pep-squad, and then there is just the social life of a teenager.  She comes home lets me know she had a good day or bad.  She helps around the house and watches her little sisters when asked.  I am told when she needs something for school and I may get tidbits of things going on.  I do know that something happened the other day, and for whatever reason, she is not telling me about it.

We don’t always get the time to sit and talk much any more.  When we do though, we enjoy each others company and I get this wonderful look into her life.  We both walk away from it wishing we did it more often.

I am the mother of six girls.  Only three currently live at home with Jeff and me.  I never hear from one, and the other two I hear from every once in a while.  When those two and I are in touch it is always nice.  I hear what is going on in their life, we laugh, and we talk about the things that are difficult for them at this particular time in their life.  Sometimes we end the conversation with them promising to call more often, sometime not.  I know that they have their own lives now and I try so hard not to hover over them.  I know that when they have the time or they think of me, they will call.  I miss the one I don’t hear from.  I use to be a part of her everyday life and now I am not.  Every so often I will hear of something going on with her thru the grapevine, but she doesn’t contact me.  I know she has a life now, apart from us, and I don’t want to intrude ~ especially if she doesn’t want me around.

I look at my relationship with each of my girls and I see steps in mine, or others, Christian walk.  I wonder how often God has wanted to know and share and be apart of ALL of my life and I only give Him glimpses.  I know that right now my walk probably resembles my relationship with Kennedy.  I am involved in bible studies, I am going to school, I am raising my girls to know Him; all of the things I should do and that He smiles upon.  Just like I smile and am proud of all that Kennedy does, but I miss her. My talks with God are more like mine and Kennedy’s.  I talk at Him during the day. I don’t always stop to hear what He has to say.  I know that He knows when I am keeping something from Him and He desperately wants me to share, let Him give me a hand. I see and talk with Kennedy daily.  I share and talk with God daily.  Am I giving Him all of me though? 

I have been my two daughters who call once in a while and share all that is going on, good and bad.  I have only called on God in the past to share my deepest pain or my greatest joy, never just the everyday stuff and never daily.  I went thru a period in my life also, like my one daughter, and went it alone, never calling at all. Did God sit back, as I do, acknowledge that I have a life, and when I wanted I would come to Him.  Did He feel as if I didn’t want Him around?

My youngest daughter still thinks I hung the moon.  She is with me all the time.  I know all of her secrets and fantasies.  I know what she wants to be when she grows up and I know when she changes her mind and is going to be something else.  I so enjoy my time with her and that we get to spend all of our time together.  I want that in my relationship with God too.

We all go thru seasons.  I am in a season of motherhood to young children and teens.  God knows my heart is in the right place and He patiently waits for me to sit still and listen to Him.  I have learned that He is a gentleman; He will not push himself on me.  So while I run around He waits for me.

I miss my child, Kennedy.  I want for her to find more time for me.  I will wait. 

“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” ~   Revelation 3:20

Is God saying to you “I miss my child”?

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Willing to take you out of your comfort zone

This past year in the various bible studies I have done, it seems as if there has been an underlying theme.  God will take you out of your comfort zone at times to use you.

I have thought about that a bit the past few months.  I think of how cautious I tend to be on my family blog, so as not to step on the toes of those who I know who read and who don’t believe.  They are friends and family members that I want to enjoy my family thru the blog, but I always have them in mind and tend to tread lightly when I think I want to mention my faith.  I am so anti being politically correct, and yet there I am on MY blog trying not to cross lines.

Not to long ago I was studying something that I got really excited about.  The problem with doing your studies on-line is there is no class to feed off of, so Jeff and Kennedy get the benefit of my new-found knowledge. (For those who may not know, I am working on my Masters of Biblical Archeology). Anyway, I went into the den where Jeff was and started sharing with him.  I hit a point where I was talking something theological and it seemed as if he was getting uncomfortable. I started to back off of what I was sharing and go to something “lighter” to talk about.

Now, my husband is a believer, and I think it was the middle of a game, but how often do we start to share our faith with someone when they start to get that look of uneasiness and we change the subject?  I know I have, just so as not to step on their toes or make them feel uncomfortable. I have recently decided that I am willing to take people out of their comfort zone.  Paul shared with the Romans the following: How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? (Romans 10:14).  And now I think, what kind of disciple am I if I am not willing to take those that I love and care about outside of their comfort zone and into mine?  I do believe that we can share Jesus thru our lives without preaching, but I am also talking about not shying away from mentioning my faith in a blog, not cutting short a thought because someone seems uncomfortable, not wanting to offend someone because of what I believe.

I believe that God calls us to come out of our comfort zone.  I believe that He will equip you for anything that He calls you to do, in or out of your comfort zone.  I also believe that we need to call some people out of their comfort zone by proclaiming our faith in Jesus and not be “politically correct.” I’m not looking to get into an argument or start some big theological debate ~ but I am willing to bring you out of your comfort zone rather than deny my faith.

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Forgiveness

I’ve been tryin’ to get down
  to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
  and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness

Why is it that one is so hard at times?  I have been known to ,once or twice, tell God that I didn’t want to forgive, I wanted to hang on to my anger.  If I gave it to Him, then I couldn’t stay angry any longer ~ at least if I really gave it to Him. 

 I was a little surprised to see the subject of forgiveness come up in our study of Revelations, I mean isn’t that all about Armageddon and end times? I always love when you can peel away another layer of depth to scripture and glean a whole new meaning and understanding.

When Jesus is talking about the Church in Ephesus in Revelations 2 He commends them on a few things, but then He brings up an issue He has against them: Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.  In the bible study I loved what Beth Moore had to say “You will hang on to our forgiveness or you will hold on to your first love.”  That first love being Jesus.  Now I think about the times that I said “I love my hurt and anger more than I love you God.”  Oh sure, I was more than justified to have the anger, someone had wronged my children and I am as bad as a mother lioness when it comes to protecting my children!  I have been able to forgive things that have happened to me, but it is so much harder for me to forgive when someone has hurt, physically or emotionally, one of my girls.

But then, another point was made in this study, “Forgiving is not for the other persons sake, but for ours. When we forgive we send it forth (the actual hebrew translation is send it forth) to our God who is merciful and vendictive.”Okay, so I admit, I feel a lot better when I am not carrying around the weight of my “unforgiveness”.  I know at times I can really let it consume me, and I must admit, life is so much easier when I let it go ~ send it forth.  But wait, I send it forth to God and He deals with the ‘wrong’ accordingly.  It is His call on whether to be merciful (because He does have the whole story) or to be vindictive. 

So I go to scripture to take comfort for my children, “whoever would harm one of these little ones, it would be better for him if he had a heavy weight fastened about his neck and be thrown into the sea” (Matthew 18:6).  I would much rather hold on to this scripture than to my unforgiveness.  Therefor, I would rather hang on to God than to my unforgiveness.  Hang on to my first love.  Something for me to think about the next time I feel wronged.

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